SoccerChic9: July 2004

Friday, July 30, 2004

I spent the evening with my two little sisters and my mother. The boys are gone for the weekend camping, so it is just the girls home now! We had a good supper at Montana's and then did some shopping. I missed Bep tonight - it was wierd not having her there, I miss telling her all the stuff that is bothering me or making me happy. I miss her laughing at me cause I can be such a girl some days:o

I frusterate myself - most days:) Every morning when I walk out the door for school - I think, thank you God for the day and try to start my morning off thanking Him for the many blessings He has given me. It touches me how He takes the time to paint the sky in a brilliant color, send a beautiful day, create a raindrop, or cause a friend to be there when I need it most. Yet, I am so ungrateful. This is frusterating. I look at my life and I have everything I need to be happy - then why am I not. Somedays I can't wait till heaven. When I was younger I always thought, why would someone want to leave here and go to an unknown place. But lately, I can't wait somedays.

Please love,
when this
becomes a
memory.
And daylight
seems to
fade -
remember,
how it
used to be.

Remember
the days,
when we
owned the
world;
midnight sky,
grass,
streetlights.

When dreams
where
reality.

Remember,
and cherish
these
moments.

It won't
stay this
way.

It will
pass.

A long
drawn-out
breath.

Morning
follows
the night.

One Wish

I have but
one wish.
Cast each
night, upon
a midnight
star.

In hope
that one
day, it
will come
to life.

I pray,
that
some day -
which lives
for an
eternity.

I won’t
hurt you
anymore.
Or cause
your look
of pain.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

I took a break from studying tonight and headed off to Johan's. We played some good three-on-three volleyball. I really need to start doing that regularly. It was a lot of fun, and I am covered in sand:) I have come to the present conclusion that my dad listens to wierd music - right now Enrique Iglesias - Escape - is playing on the computer. Wierd says me.

On the technology side - Microsoft has come out with something new - a search engine that looks for info. not only on the web but also on computer hard drives. This is going to challenge Google search, though Microsoft has yet to say when this search engine will come into play.

The political side - Kerry is promising to build a better military and a strong alliance overseas. By doing this he claims he will be sending a message to terrorist that, "You will lose and we will win." Presently Kerry is tied or slightly ahead of Bush in the polls. Though from what I am seeing I am not exactly sure that Kerry in power will change anything. He seems to share some of Bush's views. And the issue that people are most concerned about - war-on-terrorism - Kerry seems to support Bush's position.

Well, back to studying. I hope you guys are all having a great evening!

I learned today, that God has to break us before he can use us. It's the breaking part that is painful though. But, at the end of the day, it is worth it and also humbling that He would consider us worthy of that kind of attention.

I am able to breathe again - finished my large grammar exam and I think I did okay. Handed in some major assignments and tomorrow is Friday - so, it's all good. Monday I have off school due to the holiday this will be nice; not quite sure what I am going to do yet though.

They told us today that in September the work load will be three times as much as it is now, and we will be here till like 6:00 at night just in classes. I am not really sure how they could make it three times busier then it is, but I guess it must be possible. Considering I am picking up two more courses on top of my load, should keep me out of trouble:)

My advice to you tonight is: take time to notice the tiny details tonight, thank a friend just for being a friend, do something just for yourself, enjoy the amazing weather, and pause and be thankful that you are alive:)

K, I walked outside the building just a few minutes ago, and it is an amazing day outside. Makes me wish I wasn't in here studying, not that I mind too much. But I figure it is not a complete summer if we don't go to the beach at least once. So do you guys want to all skip out on school/work/life today and head to the beach:)

I can bring some food and we can just chill, catch some waves, watch the sun set, talk around a fire (a contained one:), go for a walk along the beach, set off a firework, talk about our dreams, and just de-stress and not worry. I know it's impossible, you guys will claim that you can't leave work or something silly, but I can dream:)

you think about something, you weigh the pro's and con's, and all of the sudden, at the end of the day; it hits you. It's your perspective that needs to be changed, not the situtation, not other people. You don't need to drop off the face of the earth, or jump in a lake and re-surface in China, you just need to adjust your perspective. Sure, it sounds easier on paper then it actually is, but considering all the other possibilities, it maybe better then you first anticipated. If your perspective is skewed then maybe you are seeing things in the wrong light and dealing with thing in an irrational manner.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Lance Armstrong just won a 62-mile race near Belgium, two days after claiming his sixth straight Tour de France title. I guess though after completing the Tour de France a 62-mile race is nothing but a warm-up for this guy. I'm still impressed though!

There is a new vaccine that is being tested now. This is the "fusion cell vaccine". It is prepared by fusing whole tumor cells taken from the patient, with dendritic cells - in hopes to cure cancer. So far, in an early-stage clincial trial, there have been some success stories.

There are some concerns considering the vaccine is still in the birth stages. Dr.'s are afraid that they don't know all the tumor-specific proteins and in some tumours they only have a few of them. Also they are concerned that the tumours may outsmart this approach. Though right now it is to early to tell what will happen.

My good bye to the days when life was easy, and worries were what kind of popcicle to choose. When sandboxes were my second home, and all the days were sunny.

"Goodbye to Childhood":)

It was
a bright spot;
filled with
many mountain
peaks.

A place
that will
always,
tower above
the others.

But, my
time here
is drawing
to a close.

I will
steel my
heart,
and leave.

With
tears and
a silent
prayer -
I will
go.

Without
turning back.

Facing forward -
chained -
to my
destiny.

If we only do something half-heartedly, is it worth it? If you know you have to change something, yet you hold back for some reason, are your efforts then pointless? This is what I asked myself. I guess it ties into building a strong mind -if we tell ourselves we are going to do something, shouldn't we go the entire nine yards. A half-done job is not a job finished. A job done with a negitive attitude is not really a job complete.

it was raining this morning. Somehow sun would of seemed cruel - wierd. It is Wednesday, in someways this week has flown, in others it has dragged on wings of an Osterich (a. I can't spell that, b. it's very slow cause they don't use their wings so much:).

Soccer was wet and rainy last night, yet somehow stress reliving, I practiced with the kids, since I can use it. We lost our game, though I found out we are presently the top team in our division. I wasn't expecting that.

The Ontario government is thinking of starting toll booths to help pay for the 30-year construction plan that they have. I guess there could be benefits to this. Though I am not sure the public will respond so well.

Anyhow, I should be studying so off I go.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I have three hours to kill this afternoon - this is a positive thing though because I am plugging through my homework, and because it is actually quiet in here, I am getting quite a bit done!

Tonight, I am wondering if soccer will be cancelled. As much as I would love to be there, I am kinda hoping it is cancelled so that I can get most of my homework done.

I was listening to a "sermon" tape on the way to school today, which I almost finished due to me forgetting my parking pass:), and the guy speaking was like "opportunities and problems are often the same thing, it just depends on your perspective." And I was thinking today about that, and I think he is right. Our perspective on something may change whether it is a problem to us, or an opportunity. Interesting.

It is funny sometimes how God shows you something in your life that you have to change and then tests it immediately. That is what happened to me this morning.

I woke up this morning, looked at my watch and had five, yes five, heart attacks in a quick row. My watch said 11:00 - I have a major test worth 35% of my mark at 11:00. And in my school if you are 20 minutes late you can't write the test. So, I freaked out, jumped out of bed and ran down stairs. Only to realize, my watch had died during the night and it was 7:30. I took some deep breaths of relief.

Then I was sitting on my bed doing Devo's and I was kinda worrying about my test today and other things that are on my mind at the moment, and I fliped the page of my Bible to see a verse talking about how we shouldn't worry and we should trust in God. I was like wow, thank you Lord you are really speaking to me. Cause I really do worry too much so I was like this is good I need to change this.

I head off to school, parked, go to put my parking pass in the window and realize I don't have it. It must of fell out of my bag at home. I sit there like okay God you know I have a test, help me not to worry and such - so I turned around headed home, maybe sped a little, got my parking pass, got back to school and rushed to class. Thankfully I made it on time.

So, that was God showing me something this morning and then testing me. It was kinda cool.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Tonight

Beneath a
lonely sky,
the wind wispers
through tree
branches.

Evening dew
rises against
my feet.

It is cold.

And I am
alone.

With only
your memory,
worn as a
sweater -
to keep
me warm.

And a
thin strand
of hope;
woven around
my finger.

If someone told you your future happiness depended on you splitting off a section of the ocean. Would you do it? Would you say, no it is impossible and not even try? Or would you spend your time trying to accomplish what seems impossible?

I asked myself this on Saturday. What would I do?

Sometimes life calls you to do things you really don't want to do. Yet, in some strange way, those things that seem impossible may not be. And in the end you become a better person after having to "split the ocean". Maybe you even look back and think, I would have never traded that space of time, because through it I learned the most.

The other day I happened to be glancing through a magazine that my siblings had recieved from the library and I noticed they had a section on dinasoures. Of course the paragraph started with "millions of years ago".

Evolution is a theory, every scientist will agree with this. It has not been proven fully in a scientific manner. It exists as a theory. Yet, this theory has permeated most history and science books. It is taught in school and accepted as truth by many people. Now, I could argue that Evolution is not Biblical and such, but there is enough places that do this. Beside, if it can't be proven by science then it remains a theory and we as humans should not base the amount of stuff we do on it.

I did. See my family owns a Quad (four wheeler) and we have a field at the back of our property which the owners said we could use for bombing around. So, occasionaly I will go out and do so. Well, on Saturday, I was sitting outside enjoying the beautiful day and reading, since I had finished work in the morning and homework it was something I could do without feeling guilty! And my brothers had the Quad out, so I was like hey can I take it for a spin. So I did and they were watching me, so I was showing off. I do have the tendency at times to be a crazy driver. Well I totally wiped out at one point. After almost killing myself, at least it felt like it, I sat up and laughed. Though today I am not so on the laughing side. My arm is scraped up along with my leg, but my hip got the worst of it and is now turning a beautiful purple colour amidst scratches and such. It's kinda funny actually.

Today I am starting my second last week of school, and exams also begin. But hey, I am almost done and then a month off, so I am on the positive side!!

I am also on a quest to better myself as a person. See, I was thinking about what I posted the other day on how we should strengthen our minds, and I realized there are a whole lot of things I should be doing in order to accomplish that. So, my dance music has gone onto the shelf for a month:o and instead I am listening to sermon tapes and such when I drive. I figure I spend like 40 minutes at least in the car a day, think of all the knowledge I could gain by listening to decent stuff and expanding my brain.

I also went out on the weekend with my brother biking, since we have this sweet golf course being built a few minutes down the road. It is paved and winds through hills and such. Very nice. I figure I need to try to stress less, so since physical activity is something that helps me do that, and going to the gym can sometimes be boring - I am going to add biking to my week. It also gives me down time with my brother which is always cool.

Coffee House was Sunday night, we played some volleyball and such. It was good! So, at the end of the day, I had a good weekend!!

Friday, July 23, 2004

She was crazy they said. More like muttered under their breath when ever they passed her in the hallways. She stuck out somedays, like a thistle in a perfectly manicured garden; and they didn't like it. No, there was a way things were suppose to be done. Unspoken rules that were not made to be broken. Yet, somehow, she managed to break all of them and not in small ways, but rather in flagrent flares that lit the building.

The thing that bothered them most, was she didn't seem to care. She trapised through the place five days a week, taking note of the landscape. Yet, despite her careful consideration of that around her, she seemed to always miss the blatant signs. Signs that stood for rules, stark against passing faces. As old as the building itself.

She was a blast of fresh air in an old building that was over grown with cobwebs, and they couldn't decide what was worse. Her crazy new ideas for progression and change, or her fashion.

It came to a climax one Friday afternoon. Rumours of something having to be done, spread the air were the ladies chattered together near the water fountain. "This is utterly despictable" they wailed. There was no way this could go on. The horror of it, she had actually suggested that they install a computer program for the entire building, and an entire new wing for an art center. What was this world coming to? "Why any day now you would walk in and the enitre building would be run by robots" stated Ms. Pearson, and the ladies gasped in horror at the thought.

I had some time to kill. I've studied for my test which is soon, my homework is done, and it's all good. So, I was surfing on the net and I found a cool site for dum info. see I really have to spend time on my drums and hopefully be able to play something!

http://drumbum.com

I saw you yesterday.
But you didn't
see me,
you were moving
too fast.

Beneath towering
apartment buildings.
Dodging taxi cabs
and pedestrians.
Searching for
something;
though I am
not sure what.

And as I watched
you, from a distance -
I wondered.
If, you would
find your way.
Or be lost
like others
who had attempted
this search
before you.

If I move to Pensacola and become a teacher - I could be an astronaut. Three teachers have completed their astronaut training program. Thought NASA's shuttles are not expected to resume flights until next year, at the earliest. I figure that gives me enough time to finish school, find and apartment and move!! Not that I really want to live in Florida, but maybe, downtown Philli, then I can just travel to Florida when I am to go to the moon!

Thursday, July 22, 2004

We had a class this morning, eight o'clock. They had just waxed the floors, it smelled absolutely terrible. I think I got high off of it, cause I am in a really wierd mood. They are laughing at me:o

Sometimes you tell yourself you aren't going to do something. My encouragement is to stick with that decision. Sometimes, you should change your mind because the decision you made was stupid in the first place. But often, our minds become weak because we do not do what we told ourselves we were going to accomplish.

When I go to the gym, if I tell myself I am going to run x amount of minutes, I run x amount of minutes at the pace I said. Even if I feel like I am going to die half way through. It is my small contribution to making my mind like steel.

We are trained by our society to give into many things. Don't deny yourself is a popular belief. But it is through attitude such as this that we become weak people.

Sticking to what you told yourself you were going to do may seem petty. But at the end of the day, if we can't do what we have said in the small things - how are we going to say no to the big things?

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

This is exciting, two more days of school, then two weeks left. It may be the busiest two weeks but hey. I get almost a full month off of school after that. So, who am I to complain? Some of the girls at school have day planners and they get to colour in a square for every day we finish. I think we might be a little stressed or something:)

"Fishponds"

When I looked
into your eyes
tonight.
I saw fishponds -
muddy with
doubt.
Swirling questions,
brushing against
alge covered
hope.
Splattered with
raindrops
of pain.

Startled,
I looked away.
Realized,
your eyes
are reflecting
my thoughts.
Despite
murky water.

I was walking down the hallway to one of my classes and there was a girl in front of me. Now this is not necessarly something that is abnormal, though the guy ratio is definately higher then the girl ratio here, but the thing I noticed was her shoes. It was hard not to due to her shuffling her feet all the way down the hall. I have been told in past that I shuffle my feet when walking, I never realized it until it was pointed out to me. Now, I also know what I sound like:) Sorry, to all those of you who are annoyed by my feet shuffling problem. But, now I know I have a fellow foot shuffler!

Well, it worked before, why not try it again. Iraq has taken six more hostages -- three Indians, two Kenyans and an Egyptian -- and are threatning to behead them if their countries do not immediately announce the withdrawal of their citizens from Iraq. Apparently the beheadings will start at 8 p.m. (noon our time) on Wednesday if these countries to not comply to the rules Iraq is putting forth.

Definately puts the governments of these citizens in a compromising position. Do you pull your citizens out due to one person being held hostage? Yet, if you don't what are people going to say about your country, you may lose the confidence of your citizens. Not exactly easy questions to answer.

Presently, it is just another invention, another step ahead in modern technology. Glancing at this briefly, it could just be another modern invention that never catches on. Yet, when examining it, this could change the way we buy books forever.

The most impressive feature is the fact that it can print out in standard-format a softcover book in three to five minutes. Think of how this could change a business such as Chapters. Presently Chapters is losing money, mostly due to their fast expansion and un-realistic goals. However, if they were to impliment this invention, they could cut store size down in half, offer a wider selection, orders filled quickly, hire less people. So, at the end of the day they could expand their candle section, and coffee shop, and when you walk in to get a book, you will have to wait lets say 10 minutes. During which you will buy a coffee, and of course you can't leave without a candle:) Thus, at the end of the day, the potential of increasing business and making more money. I like it.

***Bookmachine self-contained printer
Posted Jul 20, 2004, 4:31 AM ET by Simon Spagnoletti
Related entries: Misc. Gadgets

Yet another technology that could potentially render actual bookstores obsolete, the Book Machine is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. A user browses through books by “author, title, subject matter or publisher.” Once they have made a selection the book text is sent to the machine via satellite and the whole thing is printed out in standard-format softcover in three to five minutes, basically turning the whole book browsing and purchasing process into an ATM transaction. This kinda solves a lot of problems posed by the current model, (nothing really ever goes out of print, since it’s all digitally stored on a server somewhere) without ebook “problems” such as DRM, piracy and the fact that an ebook still isn’t a “book” but seems kind of radical for either book purists or publishers to get behind.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Trying something new

President Bush's record fund raising approached $230 million as July began, leaving him with tens of millions in the bank and several weeks of private donations to come before he accepts a government check for his general election campaign in early September.

Bush spent roughly $160 million on his re-election effort through June, including about $12 million last month, a campaign finance report he filed Tuesday with the Federal Election Commission showed.

Bush's biggest expenses included ads, accounting for roughly $3 million last month and at least $84 million overall; mail-related costs such as printing, postage and mailing lists, about $4 million in June and $32 million overall; and staff pay, consultants and related personnel costs, about $2 million in June and roughly $15 million total.

The campaign spent nearly $1 million last month and close to $3 million overall on "message phone calls."

When Bush and Kerry accept $75 million apiece in public money for the fall campaign, as they are expected to after they are nominated at the party conventions, it will be the only money they can spend on the presidential race from that point on. But it doesn't mean they will be on their own financially.

So, moral of the story, campagining cost a lot of money. Money that could be spent on other things, such as improving America's intelligence:)

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I need a sign,
to know if you're
still here. Romaning
through these mountains;
alluding my presence.
Yet, by my side.

A small flare,
or soft foot step.
So, I will know that,
somewhere out there;
beneath mountain shadows.
You have set up camp,
and are planning to stay.
Despite winter rains.

It was one of those instances that you look back on later and wonder; what exactly sparked it. Was it the warm summer sun peaking through the balconey awning, or the sound of ocean waves dancing on the shore? Whatever it was, it happened. On that distant September afternoon on the shores of Spain.

Despite it being the first time, it felt like I had been here before - a million times before. It was one of those lazy days, those Saturday mornings that move at the speed of stagnant water. The sun was making its mark against the balconey floor, and I was alone. Sitting at my computer with my chair tipped back, looking across the ocean. A beautiful fall day was painting the landscape while one lonely sail boat dipped in the wind. Dipping, surfacing and dipping again.

The beach was quiet, not a single soul walked against the white sand. On a normal day this would of set warning signals off in my head. But it wasn't a normal day, and I was mesmerized by the beauty of it.

It was then, that it happened. I was unsure if it was the first time, or perhaps I had been trasported years forward into my future. But with one single knock on the door, my entire life changed in a matter of seconds.

Friday, July 16, 2004

John Kerry said today that he would be willing to launch a pre-empitive strike against terrorists if he had adequate intelligence of a threat. Surprisingly Kerry offered some support to one of the most controversial aspects of President Bush's presidency.

"Am I prepared as president to go get them before they get us if we locate them and have the sufficient intelligence? You bet I am," he (John Kerry) said at a news conference at his Washington headquarters.

Kerry thinks that intelligence needs to be improved, but he also added, "I will never allow any other country to veto what we need to do and I will never allow any other institution to veto what we need to do to protect our nation."

I am kinda wondering what Kerry's reasoning is to making statements like this. Especially due to the fact that many people are not supportors of President Bush, and that is mostly due to how he dealt with Iraq. Seems kind of strange for Kerry to touch the subject in the way he did. One never knows in politics. The question is, what is adequate intelligence now? I am kinda unsure America reallys knows what that means at the moment.

Once I start, I do not stop - rambling that is.

Your face,
it's in,
fluffy clouds.

Your scent,
it floods;
the air.

And when
you seem,
to fade;

I wonder -
if you
care.

For days
are long;
nights
drag out.

But still,
you haven't
left.

And your
face;
it's in
my teardrops.

Your voice,
it fills
the air.

Here is randomness from my brain:

I had a
dream.
Born, on
broken wings.
You were
there.

Your face,
crystal against
the sky.

And as I
drifted;
through
clouds.

I saw;
your tears -
They mixed,
with mine.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Microsoft Corp. announced today revenue of $9.18 billion for the quarter ended March 31, 2004, a 17% increase over $7.84 billion in the prior year. Operating income for the third quarter was $1.28 billion, compared to $2.74 billion in the prior year. Net income and diluted earnings per share for the third quarter were $1.32 billion and
$0.12 per share. These results include stock-based compensation expense of $748 million (pre-tax) equating to $501 million (after-tax) or $0.05 per share, and legal charges of $2.53 billion (pre-tax) equating to $1.89 billion (after-tax) or $0.17 per share related to the settlement of the Sun Microsystems Inc. litigation and a fine imposed by the European Commission. For the previous year, net income and earnings per share for the third quarter were $2.14 billion and $0.20 per share, including stock-based compensation expense of $978 million (pre-tax) equating to $655 million (after-tax) or $0.06 per share

Also as an interesting note: MSN® reported another profitable quarter on robust revenue growth of 16% over last year driven by continued success in growing its advertising
business. MSN advertising revenue increased 43% during the quarter, again showing strength in both traditional online and search-based advertising. Customers and advertisers continue to recognize MSN as a worldwide leader in online services with more than 350 million unique users to the MSN network, ever 170 million active MSN Hotmail® unique users, and more than 120 million active MSN Messenger unique users worldwide on a monthly basis.

So, you Microsoft freaks can rejoice - though don't count Apple out yet - we will be back!

Children's Aid Societies are using a new test to check for substance abusers - hair analysis.

Many children are removed from their parents due to drug abuse. Hair analysis can help determine the level of substance abuse so that they can draw some general inferences around patters of drug use and determine whether the children are at risk. Hair can act as a diary of drug use.

Hair analysis, which is done at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, can show if a person has used marijuana, cocaine or other drugs within a couple of days. It also can determine the pattern of use and how much they've used.

This hair analysis is greatly helping organizations such as Children's Aid and has the potential of creating a lot of benefits for our society.

A new medical term is made in the medical world. Many people have experienced them -- that sudden surge of pain in the forehead -- now we have a name for it - an ice cream headache. Ya, I agree, not very medical but I guess it works.

These headaches last a few seconds to about a minute, and they affect about a third of the population. Unfortunately for all those of you who are worried about this, doctors do not know much about it:

"We know that ice cream headaches are triggered when a cold food or drink hits the roof of the mouth, but it's not definitely known why that causes pain," Dr. David Roby, a neurologist at Temple University Hospital, said in a prepared statement.

"The general belief is that the sudden change in temperature causes an overstimulation of the central nervous system," Roby said.

These "brain freezes" are compared to mini-migranes. The cure doctors are suggesting is to avoid these ice cream headaches, eat ice cream and other cold foods slowly.

We give our thanks to the doctors working to make this world a better place!

If you having a desire to experience acupuncture, for whatever reasons, don't go to Berlin. A German doctor accidently left his patient, pierced with needles, in a clinic after he forgot about her; Locked up his practice and went home.

After 90 minutes the woman began to shout for attention. After getting no response because no one was at the office, she called the police by phone and was later able to leave.

After many delays, NASA's Aura satellite was launched into orbit, early this Thursday morning. Sent on a $785 million mission to study the Earth's atmosphere.

A two-stage Boeing Delta II rocket carrying the satellite roared off the launch pad at this Central California coastal base just before 3:02 a.m. The satellite separated from the rocket about an hour later and entered orbit 438 miles above Earth.

"Everything went well. We did get initial orbit and it seems to be right on," said Chuck Dovale, launch manager.

Four times in recent weeks, including twice in the past two days, the liftoff was cancelled due to various reasons.

The mission of this satellite is to improve understanding of how pollutants spread globally, to determine whether the stratospheric ozone layer, which blocks harmful ultraviolet radiation, is recovering from depletion by manmade chemicals, and how Earth's climate is changing as its atmosphere is altered.

The 6,542-pound satellite carries four instruments, built by Great Britain, the United States, the Netherlands and Finland.

Too bad this isn't happening in Canada. Ah well, one day we will have a space program also!! Then I will go to the moon and send you a picture!

The Filipino man who was being held hostage in Iraq told his family via a videotaped messaged, that he would be returning home. During this tape he also thanked the Philippine government for their decision to withdraw its forces from Iraq.

He appeared to be in good health on the tape. Manila withdrew its 43 soldiers and eight police, one month ahead of schedule.

Due to the popularity of this hostage - the Philippine governement was backed into a corner. If they didn't withdraw their troops from Iraq one man would be killed, yet who would honor a government who did not appreciate and defend its citizens?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

A recent study was conducted in Berlin to see if dumb blonde jokes slow mental activity. Apparently after reading blonde jokes, blondes performed intelligence tests more slowly. Jens Foerster a social psychologist from the International University Bremen in northern Germany said, "But after exposure to negative social-stereotypes about them, the fair-haired participants performed significantly more slowly in the tests. "Foerster explained the result by saying that when people are told they can't perform a task well, they work more slowly but more cautiously, to try to make fewer mistakes. "The study shows that even unfounded prejudices generally dismissed as untrue can affect an individual's confidence in their own ability," said Foerster.

I am thinking we are a messed up society - we have to conduct studies to figure out that negitive attitudes towards us may affect our productivity.

On Wednesday (today) Apple Computer Inc. posted quarterly net income that had more than tripled. Most of this is fueled by surging sales of its market-leading iPod digital music players; a hot new item in technology at the moment.

Shares rose 3 percent in after-hours trade on the news. When its third quarter ended June 26, Cupertino, California-based Apple said it had net income of $61 million, or 16 cents a share, up from $19 million, or 5 cents a share, in the year-ago period. Revenue rose 30 percent to $2.01 billion, from the recent $1.55 billion.

Apple sold 860,000 iPods in the quarter, which accounts for $249 million in revenue, up from teh 304,000 iPods sold in the last year-ago quarter. The company also sold 876,000 Macintosh computers, an increase from 771,000 a year ago.

So, for all you Apple enemies, we are doing fine:)

Prime Minister Tony Blair is accepting the report that Iraq has no stockpiles of chemical or biological weapons ready to deploy. He is taking personal responsibility for the errors made in research.

"I have to accept, as the months have passed, it seems increasingly clear that at the time of invasion Saddam did not have stockpiles of chemical or biological weapons ready to deploy," Blair told the House of Commons. But, he insisted, "I cannot honestly say I believe getting rid of Saddam was a mistake at all. Iraq, the region, the wider world is a better and safer place without Saddam."

Michael Howard of the Conservative Party is questioning whether the British public would trust Blair's judgement in the future. This seems to be a question many people are asking of those in leadership at the moment.

These are the kind of issues that makes you wonder if those in leadership really have the foggiest clue of what they are doing. Scary that these people can make a mistake of such graduer and pass it off and just a warning to those who may want to attack their countries.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

This argument has been going on for years - are vaccines a positive or negitive aspect of our lives. And while many people will prove their point on each side there are risks, as there is with anything. At the end of the day, I believe this decision is up to you. I see both sides though I lean towards vaccines tending to have a more negitive than positive affect on our health. However, this is my humble opinion and you are free to disagree:)

Vaccines have been proven to cause Diabetes

Polio:

A difference of 50 cases of organ damage /100,000 people is a major event that has caused major changes in immunization practices in the past. The killed polio vaccine is promoted for its safety advantage over live oral polio vaccines, which causes vaccine induced polio at a rate of 0.2 cases/100,000 immunized following the administration of a first dose. This risk has caused some countries including the US to give the killed polio vaccine instead of the live vaccine. An international effort was started to develop an acellular pertussis vaccine because the risk of permanent brain damage following immunization with the whole cell pertussis vaccine is estimated at 0.2 cases/100,000 doses of vaccine administered. The total risk of permanent brain damage from DTP immunization, assuming a child receives 5 doses, is 1 case/100,000 immunized.

Polio afflicted 21,000 US citizens in 1952, the most at any time in history, however many of these people may have recovered without permanent paralysis. Assuming a birth cohort of 3.25 million, the life time risk of at least transient paralysis was around 656 cases/100,000 children. Polio immunization routinely involves 4 doses so the average per dose effect comes to 164 cases prevented/100,000 people. Each vaccine however contains 3 strains, type-1, type-2, type-3. The net effect is that one dose of one type of polio vaccine prevents on average 55 cases/100,000 people. It should be noted that while polio was more common than insulin dependent diabetes is now, polio is often a less severe disease since it commonly causes people to lose partial function of their legs while diabetes causes people to loose their legs completely due to vascular complications and infectious diseases.

*Since 1979, an average of 8 cases of poliomyelitis have occurred in the U.S. each year that are acquired from the vaccine (OPV, the Sabin vaccine) itself. For this reason, the "killed" virus vaccine (IPV, the Salk vaccine) is being reintroduced. As of June 17, 1999, it is recommended that in the future all children receive 4 doses of the Salk vaccine and — except in special circumstances — none of the Sabin vaccine.

More info. about vaccines, history and what they really are:

http://www.accessexcellence.org/AE/AEC/CC/vaccines_how_why.html

For those of you who think vaccines are the answer to our health problems - here is some more information:) Oh and a link if you are interested - http://www.909shot.com

Small pox Vaccine:

History: The first recorded cases of smallpox were in Asia in the first century A.D. but there is evidence the disease was present in China, India and Africa before that time. Smallpox was rarely seen in Europe until the Crusades, when Crusaders invaded the Holy Land during the Middle Ages and brought the disease back home with them. The Americas did not see smallpox until the Spanish invaders brought the disease to native Indian populations, who had no experience with the virus at all, which resulted in high mortality and significant destruction of tribes. In 18th century England, smallpox caused one in 10 deaths and was the leading cause of death in children.

After worldwide mass vaccination campaigns in the 20th century, in 1979 the World Health Organization declared wild smallpox virus eradicated from the earth. The only remaining smallpox virus at that time was reported to exist in secure labs in the Soviet Union and the United States. However, since then, there have been reports that Soviet scientists developed the capacity to produce large quantities of the virus modified to survive delivery by missile warhead and that some of these stocks were supplied to countries hostile to the US.In addition, there is the possibility that the smallpox virus has been genetically or otherwise biologically altered to make it an even more lethal bioterrorism weapon, which may limit the effectiveness of the vaccinia virus vaccine used to prevent smallpox in the past.

"The old live vaccinia virus vaccine for smallpox was never tested for safety or efficacy in controlled trials prior to mandates, and it may have caused more reactions, injuries and deaths than any vaccine ever used by humans on a mass basis. Those recently vaccinated become infected with vaccinia virus and can transmit the virus to others, leading to injury and death for some.Unless the old vaccine for smallpox or a newly formulated vaccine is fully tested for safety and efficacy before being released for public use, legally and ethically the vaccine would have to be considered experimental and the mandated use of it a state-enforced national scientific experiment."

**Interesting although not solid proof that it did cause deaths or illness.

"The most significant difference between the health of the U.S. population today compared to 1971, when routine vaccination for smallpox was halted in America, is that the numbers of Americans suffering with autoimmune and neurological disorders has increased significantly.

In the past three decades, the numbers of children and young adults with asthma, learning disabilities and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have doubled; diabetes has tripled; and autism has increased 200 to 600 percent in nearly every state. Live vaccinia virus vaccine for smallpox, for example, would be given to children already receiving 37 doses of 11 other live virus and killed bacterial vaccines, including diphtheria, pertussis, tetanus (DTaP), polio, measles, mumps, rubella (MMR), haemophilus influenzae B, hepatitis B, chicken pox, and pneumococcal vaccines. In 1971, most American children were only receiving DPT, polio, measles and rubella vaccines.

In addition, today there are many more adults suffering with HIV, lupus, herpes and other diseases affecting the immune system. Without appropriate safety studies evaluating the risks of an old or a new vaccine in the real world of today, there is no reliable way to predict the potential negative impact on the health of children and adults, especially on the tens of millions of Americans already suffering with chronic autoimmune and neurological disorders."

**It is known for a fact that the live vaccinia virus vaccine to prevent smallpox may be the most highly reactive vaccine that has ever been used in humans. As with most vaccines, when complications occurred with the vaccinia virus vaccine, they were quite similar to the complications of the disease they were designed to prevent. Often vaccination will produce the effects of the disease it is trying to prevent - this can be a negitive aspect, especially in those with poor health, old age, or young children.

well I should be, but not at this exact moment. The teachers have reserved all their homework, tests, and assignments for aproximately the same time. Such is life though - so I am spending another evening after school, in the library pounding away on the keyboard - my new best friend. This is fine because it is a student's life they tell me, making the business world look friendly and inviting after cold hallways, stern teachers and boring lectures. Maybe they are trying to prepare us for reality - one never knows. Anyhow I am burying myself in school at the moment - trying to stay strong for the remainding three weeks, three days, 13.5 hours:) I need to work hard if I want to come near the honor roll so that is my goal, presently.

Interesting things though:

- According to studies, recent and not so recent - 50-60% of communication is through body language. This may give the theory, "words are the most powerful communication tool", a run for its money.

- Apparently 70% of all diseases are rooted in stress build-up. Not surprising I guess but a scary thought if you stress about it:)

Industry watchers finally received the financial information about Indigo Books & Music Inc. that they have been waiting for, confirming the widespread belief that Canada's second largest bookstore chain was not profitable.

In a circular distributed to Chapters' shareholders, it was disclosed that Indigo lost C$31.7 million ($20.6 million) on revenue of C$94.8 million ($61.5 million) for the fiscal year ending January 2001. The figure includes more than C$8.5 million in revenue generated by its online operation. The losses were higher than the year before, when Indigo lost C$23.3 million on sales of C$65.9 million.

The information was released in time for shareholders to vote on Indigo's merger with Chapters Inc. Once approved by the shareholders, the merger is expected to become effective August 14, 2001. Both the Chapters and Indigo names are expected to survive the merger.

According to the audit, Indigo is dependent on the merger if it is to continue to exist. "Continued operations depends on the successful completion of this merger or other cooperative arrangements with this strategic partner which would allow the Company to generate further profitable operations and/or obtain sufficient additional financing," according to a financial statement issued by the auditors, KPMG Chartered Accountants.

Chapters expects to close up to six stores in addition to the 13 stipulated by the Competition Bureau. Store closures would make inventory available for sale, return or reallocation. Based on average inventory at wholesale purchase price, it is estimated that this would reduce working capital by about C$9 million

The circular also noted that Larry Stevenson, former CEO of Chapters, received C$855,750 when his position was terminated. Glenn Murphy, former president and CEO of Chapters Retail, received more than C$1.4 million after his job was eliminated. The restructuring and takeover costs amounted to C$30 million.

**Chapters has the potential of being a great store, however, this business just can't seem to get off the ground and running. Unfortunately.

The Philippine government is making a direct appeal to insurgents holding a Filipino hostage, pleading that they will show mercy for the man (Angelo dela Cruz, father of eight) who was threated to be killed if the country did not agree to pull its troops from Iraq early.

Insurgents had said they would kill the truck driver by Monday evening if the Philippines did not agree to pull its 51-member peacekeeping force by July 20. So far, the Philippines have not committed to pulling their troops. Seguis said on Tuesday that they would pull their troops out "as soon as possible." But no further movement has been made yet to do this.

Who think vaccines are the answer to our problems - apparently, not always. A recent report (19 minutes ago) is saying that product materials for several GlaxoSmithKline Plc hepatitis vaccines contain false information about flu vaccines that could lead to public health problems.

Glaxo's chart creates "a serious public health concern because it could lead to incorrect administration" of the live attenuated influenza vaccine to pregnant women with medical problems and very young children -- for whom the drug has not been shown to be safe, the letter just recently released from the U.S. Health headquarters stated.

Flu vaccines are recommended only for healthy people age 5 to 49, however GlaxoSmithKline recommended the vaccine for children 6 months to adults of age 50. This chart is incorrect and could cause some major problems. Children under 5 and adults over 49 should not be taking vaccines. The vaccine information also failed to list critical safety warnings, including adverse reactions and medical conditions that should prevent some patients from getting the vaccine.

Foley, a spokesperson for the GlaxoSmithKline vaccine, claimed that the company is reviewing all of its vaccine promotional materials to make sure they are FDA compliant.

The FDA will face some charges due to their over-sight - however, these charges will not compensate for those who did suffer negitive health due to this vaccine.

So at the end of the day, despite what many people will claim, vaccines are not a perfect answer to the health problems we have today.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Apparently Bush is still defending his decision to invade Iraq.

"Although we have not found stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, we were right to go into Iraq," Bush said after inspecting a display of nuclear weapons parts and equipment, including assembled gas centrifuges for uranium enrichment, from Libya."We removed a declared enemy of America who had the capability of producing weapons of mass murder and could have passed that capability to terrorists bent on acquiring them. In the world after September 11th, that was a risk we could not afford to take," Bush said.

Bush never directly acknowledged that intelligence was flawed when it reported that Iraq had weapons of mass distruction - rather he justified it by focusing on the fact that America saw a threat and went forward to destroy it. "So I had a choice to make (regarding Saddam not allowing inspecitions into his country): either take the word of a madman or defend America. Given that choice I will defend America."

Kerry is using this to his advantage and saying he will change the intelligence system in America and make America a safe place to live. "That's what Americans want — real results, not speeches."

Bush also is using Libya's decision to scrap its nuclear ambitions and long-range missiles as the results of his stand against terrorism and nuclear weapons. Bush said "the world knows that doing so carries serious consequences and that the wise course is to abandon those pursuits."

So, despite accusations that would make any man crumble - Bush, with a silver tongue is using them to his advantage, and pulling recent news from a wide range to support his decisions. In the end appearing to be in control and doing the right thing to most people - something that may be important in the upcoming elections.

Somedays you wake up and all of the sudden it hits you - you've been travelling in circles. It's a wierd feeling, like you've been here before and despite things changing somewhat - they are pretty much the same. Though, feelings are more intense and you feel like you've learned things on the way - yet you still are here, back where you started. Like you've been existing in the twi-light zone or something.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Apparently Bush is still ahead of John Kerry as far as the recent polls are saying (Bush - 49%, Kerry 45% - and Independent Candidate Ralph Nader - 3%). Though the Bush-Kerry matchup was tied a month ago.

Kerry is gaining support though due to the expansions he has made. Some people are saying they don't trust Kerry but due to him picking Edwards - he has re-gained their support. Kerry is working hard to re-build his bases, and draw supporters from all areas.

Bush still has loyal supporters. People who thought he was on the wrong track but are not convinced he is turning around and doing a better job. This is reflected in Bush's overall approval rating - which just hit 50 percent - for the first time since January.

Though this sudden twist with the Iraq reports - may change this game for Bush. Not exactly an issue that you want to deal with before elections.

Washington U.S. intelligence agencies became victims. Apparently this group came to an incorrect conclusion when assessing Iraq's weapons capabilities - which greatly affected the 2003 invasion.

This report blasts Director George Tenet (who has since resigned), and accuses him of skewing advice to top policy-makers. It also blamed him for not personally reviewing Bush's 2003 State of the Union address, which refered to (the now dis-regarded reference) that Iraq was trying to purchase Uranium in Afria.

****President Bush's chief spokesman, Scott McClellan, said the committee's report essentially "agrees with what we have said, which is we need to take steps to continue strengthening and reforming our intelligence capabilities so we are prepared to meet the new threats that we face in this day and age."***

I was wondering what their first clue towards this conclusion was:)Like ya, you may want to check your information and make sure you are correct before jumping to conclusions based on theories - and starting wars on top of it.

Sources are now saying Saddam Hussein had no nuclear weapons program, no biological weapons, and only small amounts of chemical weapons were found.

So, either Saddam did a good job of covering up - or there is the chance that the U.S. may be wrong in their assumptions. Kinda scary that this country can't even run their own intelligence programs correctly.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

"Street Lights"

Deep pools -
beckoning.
Flooded with
secrets; yet
untold.

Dreams, floating
a top
a diamond
studden lake.

And I am
drawn.
As a moth
to flame.
Drawn, and
unable to
resist.

Your image
lingers;
As a scent
brushed
against my
wrist.

Threaded
through
memories.

Of days -
when dreams
where born -
and hearts
whole.

Days that
faded.
Much too
soon.

Dew that
rose
beneath
this ground.

Seriously, it's not worth it. I know you want to but in the end you will thank me for this timeless advice. Some things are just not meant to happen and you will be thankful when you don't let yourself give in. So, like I said, don't watch Spiderman 2. I did tonight - I thought the first one kinda sucked, well this one blew chunks. The acting was sad, the plot line was predictable and boring, Kristen Dunst looked terrible (just incase you were going because she was in it:), and it ended with an opening for Spiderman 3. I hate movies that can't stand on their own two feet. The positive side, I was there with my friends which is always fun. Nick and I groaned through the sappy parts and tried to think of positive things - hard to find. So ya, that concludes my summary of Spiderman 2.

I was in school today and I came to the conclusion that - I am in a mental institution. Terrible I know - I discovered what everyone was trying to hide from me. I can't escape from this place. It started with me noticing the queer green of one of the class room walls. Green as in a hospital green, pale and weak. I thought hmmm that's strange. Then I noticed the dark hallways, dead looking people, zombie-like creatures, the half-alive food, the wires sticking out of the ceiling, and the bags that everyone was carrying on their back. I am sure these bags contained tracking mechanisms. And the "Teachers" - one was making a wierd siren-like noise in class to get everyones attention. Teachers bah, more like promoted mental patients - just living off higher doses of drugs.

And all of the sudden it all came together.

My friends and family had brought me here, brain-washed me into beliving that it would make me a better place, a stronger person, and loyal citizen. What a joke. I suppose they think they are doing what is best it's just sad that I had to find this out. My life outside of this institute is merely a figment of my imagination. That is sad becasue it was such a good life - now to find out it is merely a dream - kind of crushing. I feel like telling these people that they are in an institute with me - that we don' t have lives outside of this building. But somehow, that seems cruel. Let them live in peace I say - let them think this is good and they have an amazing life outside. Who am I to break their happy dillusion?

Sometimes you hit these high points that just fill you with sheer happiness. It's like you've climbed a mountain for so long and suddenly you realize you have reached the top and you look around and the view is far better then you ever imagined. Everyone should experience these tastes of an oasis in the desert every once in a while!

I was thinking today (stop groaning:) and I think that almost all if not all anger comes from fear. When some one gets angry it generally is because they are afraid of something. So, perhaps fear is the cause of anger most days. Wierd. Never really thought of it that way.

I am excited cause I get to skip my last class today - go see Spiderman 2 tonight - and visit my grandparents. It may be a bit rushed but it's all good.

I have to pay my tuition tomorrow. Hmmm, there goes more money but I guess in pursuit of a better education I can't complain.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Many people will argue, till most likely the end of time, over the issue of the Internet. Is it a postive or negitive aspect to modern life? Good points can be made on either side, there are benefits and negitive aspects to pretty much everything in life. But the reason I brought this up is not to discuss the negitives or positives - who know's I am sure you could write a series of novels on this subject - something I am not wishing to endevour at this moment.

But, does the Internet create a false sense of knowing someone? For instance, you use e-mail to communicate, or chat on-line with friends or people you may not know. But let us stick with friends for the moment. You talk with them on a regular or semi-regular basis. Your conversations could range from earth shattering, life-defining moments, or perhaps the mundane information that doesn't really change the orbit of the planets. Whatever it is, you are communicating with your friends through modern technology. Could you by doing this, build a false sense of knowing a person?

Like you are living in a created enviroment - it is not real life. So, you become really great friends with one of your friends over e-mail - yet in real life you can't stand his guts because your mind has created two people that go by the same name and face. One is the person you know in real life, the other is the Internet created friend. So, in your mind you are creating split personalities for each person you communicate with over the Internet and in person. Your mind makes you think you know them as one person, yet they are seperate in your mind at the same time. Wierd huh.

Maybe I have too much time to think:) She laughs at herself. Never claimed that I wasn't messed in the head.

Well, I was going to visit my grandparents tonight but my grandfather is not doing so well. I am going to have to fit that in somewhere else this week - that may be a problem. Oh well, I will see what I can do. Soccer went well tonight - wierd all this cold weather we are having. I like it cause it's like fall weather - which I love. My test went well today - I think I did fine so that is positive. I have some more tests this week - I will have to do some studying tonight. Oh here is the latest poem - different from my normal style but hey - variety is a good thing - generally:)

Losing Grip on My Beam

I am falling.
Between tree tops -
and aniseed balls.
Falling quickly,
to my death.

Sigur Ros plays
this sounds track.
Cow eyes and
Avocado's stare
my way. Watching.

White Rose signs
point ahead, and
meatballs dance
across sky. Waiting.

Coffee cups laugh,
while trampolines smile,
and some where -
beyond play grounds
and pianos;
my exicutioner
stands.

I've recieved
my orders,
through email.
My time is up.

I have fell
of a bridge
built over time.
And, only the
ground can stop
me now.

I learned in class. Apparently humans have between 400 and 800 skills. I thought that was interesting considering I don't think I could come up with 400 skills that I have; much less 800 skills.

Wierd, the weight that people place on first impressions. Like you have 3-5 seconds to make an impression on someone - whether positive or negitive. And first impressions are hard to cure. Humans will draw a conclusion on what they see and that will stick in their mind for a very long time if not forever. As much as it is often a negitive aspect that we draw conclusions so quickly - it is something that we have to take in account. Sometimes you don't agree with things, but you try to work around them in order that other people to not get caught up on something minor - such as an avoidable negitive first impression.

One hour and four minutes ago - John Kerry announced his formal rival John Edwards to be his running mate for the upcoming elections. Kerry said that he realized that Edwards had guts and determination along with a lot of political skill when he was running against him.

I think this is most likely a politically smart move. Pick someone who knows what they are doing, and ran a good campaign against you. You know their strong points and weaknesses.

Bush, however, did not respond so well to Edwards and labelled him a "disingenuous, unaccomplished liberal."

Though there may be some issues with these two men joining up. Both are against the $87 billion package for Iraq and Afghanistan. Though, they disagree on the North American Free Trade Agreement. Kerry voted for it, Edwards campaigned against it. Also differing in opinions on "partial birth" abortion, the death penalty, and the way to deal with taxes.

So, this may cause some rough spots that need to be ironed out. I guess time will tell. An interesting choice for John Kerry though - this has the potential of being a strong team for the elections.

Not afraid of getting hurt. No, throughout life I have learned how to survive pain. To get over crushing pain that hurts so bad you can't cry. It is not that which scares me, but rather the thought of hurting someone that means so much to me. That is what makes me want to run and hide in B.C.. See, if I were to leave now, I would not hurt people any more. Sure some of my friends may be sad for a matter of like two months perhaps, but then they would move on and in the end I wouldn't have to hurt people. Something that I hate, and I can not stress enough, hate doing. The abosolute worst feeling in the world is letting someone down - hurting someone that means the most to you. That is what makes men turn to water, and strong independent woman crumble.

Anyhow, after that depressing thought I am off to a test. Wish me luck.

When people are over competitive. Sure, it is good to have a somewhat competitive nature, to want to do well. But there are some people who just take that entire attitude to a whole new level. I am competitive, something I try to control and sometimes do not such a good job at. I guess they are right when they say you really can get to know a person when they play sports. It's true. A lot of who a person really is shows up when playing a sport. Wierd.

When I feel like I am not changing enough. Like I have a list; it is long. On this list is things I have to work on, things about me that need to change; things I need to do. Sometimes though it feels like nothing ever gets accomplished on this list. Like I am going in circles. Perhaps it is because I try to change too much at one time. Like you aren't going to see much progress when you are working on 2,456 different projects. However, if you were to focus on 5 you would see a whole lot more progress. Perhaps by working on these things slowly in small quantities, you actually will acomplish more because these small areas will affect bigger areas. Seriously, it looks good on paper - a whole lot harder to live out.

When people don't dream. I have many dreams - maybe that is a negitive thing but it's kinda exciting. Think of how many things you could do in this world. So many opportunities. That excites me. I love meeting people who have a passion for life, who aren't afraid to dream big dreams! These are the kind of people who never grow old and boring, for they see life in different colours then most. Never be afraid to dream.

Monday, July 05, 2004

I had a very enjoyable evening. Playing soccer with a bunch of people I didn't really know. Wow, I think I ran enough to last a very long time. Don't pick the short Kenyan guy to cover, I swear he is on steroids. Though I did manage to steal the soccer ball away from him a few times! Afterwards I hung at the pier, good times. I love the place - don't think I will ever get sick of it. I think I should write a poem tonight. I feel like I have the potential of writting something decent. Keeps fingers crossed.

"Last Night"

Last night.
Confusion reigned
the skies.
Colouring it dark,
and blotting out
these stars.
My thoughts
scattered
in the wind.
Hopeless.

But this morning -
the sun rose
to greet me.
Spring breezes
brought me hope.
For throughout
that long,
damp night.
All was not lost.

Assurance

Shadows flickered
across earthen walls.
Dancing over words
engraved against
stone pillars.
Words taht bore
hope for tomorrow;
and gave peace,
for the present.

Untittled

There was fear -
it never left.
But some days
the benefits
far out weighted it.
Making past hurt -
easy to forget.

It is hard to let myself depend on people. I like to think that I am independent and do not need people, that I can do things myself. But I realize that this is not true. I need my friends and family, and yes, I depend on them. They are the people that make me laugh, cry, and listen to my bitching for hours on end. The people who have been graphed into my life and I am unable to remove them because they have become part of me. Scary how we can think we are so sufficient and yet we aren't at all. I thank God for those He has put in my life.

Well I walked into the dungeon this afternoon. As much as this semester is not exactly my most favourite, I still enjoy school. Monday's are generally long because it is after a weekend of hanging with friends and then I know I won't see them for like, gasp, four whole days:) Despite classes being boring I maintained a positive attitude. Tonight I am going to play soccer, something I haven't done for a while and I am looking forward to it.

The negitive side of this weekend though was due to it being a long weekend. I was "priviledge" to hear all the stories of what class mates did on the weekend, I think my weekend topped though.

My Palm Pilot died this morning, I think it was the batteries though I didn't think they were getting close to dying. I lost everything on it, kinda bites, considering I had some unsaved poetics. Ah well, such is the life of silly people who depend on machines:)

I don't have classes till 2:00 -this is nice, though I do have a bunch of homework and stuff to do in the meantime - groceries being one of them along with cleaning my room and moving my drums down stairs. Sometimes there are tense moments in life, and it is usely in these moments that you learn to appreciate the people who are there for you. I had such a moment last night - I woke up tension free this morning. For tomorrow is always a new day and the troubles that seem so large will pass like a dandelion in summer breeze.

"Yesterday"

Alone and cold,
I roamed -
among jaged
peaks.
Searching for
a meaning;
something to
push me on.

And some where -
between night
and day.
At the
darkest point.
I found you.
Buried between
mountains of stone -
an oasis
that soothed
my raged heart
and gave me
hope again.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

a beautiful night. Lights linned the harbour front and friendships were strengthened. I had fun hanging with friends - sometimes life is so good and I realize how much I need and appreciate my friends. Due to my one hour of sleep last night - I will be brief.

Something More

Nuances
lace these words.
Subtle, so subtle.
Not caught by
common ear.

Each word
means a thousand more.
A glance speaks.
The gengle brushing
of your skin
against mine;
implies more
than you
could say.

I over analyze, just a little. Okay a lot. Not cool says Mary to herself. My advice, as one who is an expert on over-analyzing - try not to do it. It is just a very stressful habit. So, if you feel you are over-analyzing then eat a huge bowl of ice cream really fast, drink a huge class of cold milk, then hang upside down for two minutes, jump up quickly and run in circles clock wise for two minutes, then counter clock wise for 2.34 minutes, then run really fast in a straight line. You will forget whatever you were analyzing!! It is a great remedy:)

Over Analyzing

Moments caught
in spider web
of my mind.
Frozen as flies -
hanging from their
threads.
Analyzed to death -
and sucked free
of all their blood.
Until, only the
carcass remains;
to be blown away
by a summer breeze.

Funerals. I absolutely hate the thought of having to walk through a room of people giving my condolences, and then stop by the coffin and look on the face of one who has left. It makes me nervous when I know I have to go to a funeral.

Though since we all must go this is what I would like my funeral to be. Not that I will know what actually happens but this is my idea:) A coffin made of a material that enables all those who attend my funeral to sign it. Cool hey. You sign my coffin and I go into the ground with part of you. I would like to be buried at night with torches around my grave. No, elaborate flowers or tomb stone, simplicty. Really, I am dead, I am not going to know or care that I had a small cross to mark my grave, or a massive stone piller. And maybe some fireworks to end the night. Be happy cause I am far better off. Smile a little, have a class of champane and hopefully be inspired.

Death Parlor

There was
a cold chill.
Our breath
created frost,
against clear air.
And as the line,
slowly wove;
as a snake in
the prarries.
We waited.
Waited for
our turn
to gaze;
for one last time.
At the face
of the one
we love.
And feel the
kiss of death
on his forehead.

Sometimes it bothers me how much people around me let their past dictate their future. I want to say, "Let go of your past, live now because this is the present. Learn from your past but don't let it dictate your future." Then I realize, it is me who is letting my past dictate my future. The past is like a blood sucker that just won' t let go, sucking the joy out of today and destroying tomorrow's hope. Don't let the past kill you - I speak to myself more then anyone else.

"Hungry Vultures"

Haunted by her past -
She runs, stumbling, falling.
I see her eyes as she looks back.
Terror, sheer terror.
Like a hunted deer in head lights.

Hungry vultures perch over head
ready, waiting for her fall.
Her breath is waning - yet, on she claws.
Praying for escape; if only -
to be lost in the cracks.

The past is relentless.
Cutting off all escape.
He thrives on her pain;
constantly reminder her
of what has come and gone.

She screams, loud, piercing.
Hungryly looking for relief.
Mournful wails emite her soul.
Turning with knife in hand.
Stabbing. Attempting to kill.

But the past won't be defeated.
He pressed on, running her down.
She can't resists.
So he kills her, like a
vampire - sucks her blood.

Slowly she dies.
Face frozen in horror.
Hungry vultures rejoice.

Well Thursday was a blast. I almost killed myself a few times and paid for it the next day by filling my sore muscle quota. I had fun hanging with friends all day, being outside and having nothing to worry about. Fireworks are always exciting, how can you not enjoy seeing bursts of beauty radiate the sky?

Last night I had fun hanging with friends at Gus's house - I discovered that bowling in not my life calling:)

This morning after exactly one hour of sleep (explains the dead look;) I headed to my parents house and got the last minute instructions as they headed off on vacation. Wierd, I am not going this year due to school. Kinda too bad, it's always fun. Sometimes it sucks to grow up - I think I will go to Never Never Land.

This is something new that you may not know. There is a fungus in Belize that eats CD's. I know, wierd. Here all this time we thought that CD's were pretty much indestructable - the diamonds of storing memory, and we were wrong. Although there could be some benefits to this; if we took it a step further. Perhaps we could cut back on our land fill if we used fungus, such as the CD eating one in Belize, to destroy our waste. It would be a natural way of controlling and eliminating garbage. And since we are producing 10% more garbage each year as statistics go this could be a postive and natural answer!

Sometimes I wonder, if you make a decision after much thought/prayer, weighing of the postives and negitives and you decide it is a good thing. Should you change your mind later on? Or are you over-analyzing a situation then?

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Today I am going to hang with friends all day long. It's most exciting. We are going wake boarding. I haven't been in two years or so, there is a big chance I will kill myself:0 But it will be fun anyways, then we are playing volleyball and watching fire works and the entire nine yards, should be good!! I am looking forward to it, hopefully I will get a tan while I am at it!