Thursday, March 31, 2005
So, three down, two more to go - I don't know if I should be depressed by that fact or rejoicing. They have been quite challenging (or maybe that's just me:) - but the wicked awesome thing is that I am done after this week - done seeing Mohawk. I thought about that the other day as I walked down the hallway - and as wierd as it is, I think I am going to miss it somedays. I spent most of my life there over the past year - like they should dedicate a library chair to me - I spent enough time there. SO yah, it's the good, the bad, and the ugly.
"We have a tendency to loook for wonder in our experience, and we mistake heroic actions for real heros. It's one thing to go through a crisis grandly, yet quite another to go through every day glorifying God when there is no witness, no limelight, and no one paying even the remotest attention to us. If we are not looking for halos, we at least want something that will make people say, "What a wonderful man of prayer he is!" or "What a great woman of devotion she is!" If you are properly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the lofty height where no one would ever notice you personally. All that is noticed is the power of God coming through you all the time. We want to be able to say, "Oh, I have had a wonderful call from God!" But to do even the most humbling tasks to the glory of God takes the Almighty God Incarnate working in us."
Oswald Chambers
It's so true - I see it in my own life - living for recognition. Just sayin.
"We have a tendency to loook for wonder in our experience, and we mistake heroic actions for real heros. It's one thing to go through a crisis grandly, yet quite another to go through every day glorifying God when there is no witness, no limelight, and no one paying even the remotest attention to us. If we are not looking for halos, we at least want something that will make people say, "What a wonderful man of prayer he is!" or "What a great woman of devotion she is!" If you are properly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the lofty height where no one would ever notice you personally. All that is noticed is the power of God coming through you all the time. We want to be able to say, "Oh, I have had a wonderful call from God!" But to do even the most humbling tasks to the glory of God takes the Almighty God Incarnate working in us."
Oswald Chambers
It's so true - I see it in my own life - living for recognition. Just sayin.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
"The one who would know God must give time to Him." A. W. Tozer
Tis true, so say the least. I find the more time I spend with God the more work it seems I have to do. Once you really start taking your life under an examination glass you start to realize all the areas that you have been compromising on or not dealing with. Nothing like sweeping the dirt under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist.
It's almost Spring - I am convinced of it for a few reasons. Some of them being this:
A. I am wearing sandels almost all the time now.
B. I went to church on Sunday and wore sandels and no nylons (absolutely glorious) and a benefit of that was the tan that everyone got cause my legs are so white:)
C. I helped my mom take down the hockey rink this morning.
D. It smells like spring!
E. I am writing exams this week.
F. People look at me wierd when I tell them I have a cold!
I had a conversation with my 6 year old sister this morning about my life. The poor child, she most likely never wants to grow up now:) She also called me a bannna head - I was kinda crushed:(
Tis true, so say the least. I find the more time I spend with God the more work it seems I have to do. Once you really start taking your life under an examination glass you start to realize all the areas that you have been compromising on or not dealing with. Nothing like sweeping the dirt under the carpet and pretending it doesn't exist.
It's almost Spring - I am convinced of it for a few reasons. Some of them being this:
A. I am wearing sandels almost all the time now.
B. I went to church on Sunday and wore sandels and no nylons (absolutely glorious) and a benefit of that was the tan that everyone got cause my legs are so white:)
C. I helped my mom take down the hockey rink this morning.
D. It smells like spring!
E. I am writing exams this week.
F. People look at me wierd when I tell them I have a cold!
I had a conversation with my 6 year old sister this morning about my life. The poor child, she most likely never wants to grow up now:) She also called me a bannna head - I was kinda crushed:(
Thursday, March 24, 2005
I am sick. Hopefully it is just one of those 24 hour bugs who fly by, bite and leave. It's an interesting way to start the long weekend to say the least. I had to leave school early cause I felt like I had been run over by a large MACK truck - or something similar. Anyhow, I am now at home, had a nice long bath, and am sitting in my room in bed. So I figure I will tell you guys about last night - since you are all dying to know (stop groaning:)
Well, the ceremony was from 4:00-6:00. It was really well done, impressed me quite a lot. They had transformed our cafe into a beautiful room - no small feat for those who know and have seen Mohawks Cafe. They had small round tables, candles, a live jazz band, name tags and expensive chocolates, amazing food and tons of it (!), a very nicely done program (passed my dad's inspection), and so on.
After the president's speech - in which I, and the rest of the award students, were refered to as the future of the world, yadda yadda. Gotta love those bull speeches - makes you feel warm and mushy inside - or something like that. Then the awards part came - I found out that with my award, official documentation, etc. I also recieved $250.00. So that was all cool - who am I to turn down money:)
So yes, after all the pictures, hugs, teachers saying I was a model student to my dad and sister, and whatnot - I left, feeling happy that after all that work I put into the program I could walk away with a legal award. Made my day!!
Well, the ceremony was from 4:00-6:00. It was really well done, impressed me quite a lot. They had transformed our cafe into a beautiful room - no small feat for those who know and have seen Mohawks Cafe. They had small round tables, candles, a live jazz band, name tags and expensive chocolates, amazing food and tons of it (!), a very nicely done program (passed my dad's inspection), and so on.
After the president's speech - in which I, and the rest of the award students, were refered to as the future of the world, yadda yadda. Gotta love those bull speeches - makes you feel warm and mushy inside - or something like that. Then the awards part came - I found out that with my award, official documentation, etc. I also recieved $250.00. So that was all cool - who am I to turn down money:)
So yes, after all the pictures, hugs, teachers saying I was a model student to my dad and sister, and whatnot - I left, feeling happy that after all that work I put into the program I could walk away with a legal award. Made my day!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
" To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell."
C.S. Lewis
C.S. Lewis
Monday, March 21, 2005
I am sore, after playing aproximately 14 volleyball games on Saturday, and this pain has caused me to look like a pregnant camel. I can't walk normal - and I look absolutely hillarious as I waddle, yes waddle, across the earth. It's funny, for everyone else, and if I think of it right in my head it makes me laugh - cause I can only imagine what I look like. Even Cheryl, as school, said to me today - you are walking kinda wierd. I was like dude, so much for trying to look normal. At least I now know what I would walk like if I was pregnant - oh it's not going to be pretty.
As I mentioned before, I watched Kate and Lepold (sp?) the other night. After watching it I was wondering to myself what makes so many girls think that he is so incredibly awesome. I came up with this theory:
Girls want to feel important, beautiful, accepted, and loved. Sometimes they will go to extreme measures in order to accomplish this - but at the end of the day - I think all they want is a guy who is totally devoted to them. Who doesn't? Like a guy who only has eyes for you, who thinks you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to this world, who cherishes you and respects you - all those things. I think that is what attracts us to the movie.
Then again, that is just a theory - I could be wrong - it's happened before.
As I mentioned before, I watched Kate and Lepold (sp?) the other night. After watching it I was wondering to myself what makes so many girls think that he is so incredibly awesome. I came up with this theory:
Girls want to feel important, beautiful, accepted, and loved. Sometimes they will go to extreme measures in order to accomplish this - but at the end of the day - I think all they want is a guy who is totally devoted to them. Who doesn't? Like a guy who only has eyes for you, who thinks you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to this world, who cherishes you and respects you - all those things. I think that is what attracts us to the movie.
Then again, that is just a theory - I could be wrong - it's happened before.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
I've had a crazy weekend, but that is cool. Hung with my sister, watched Kate and Lepold with a friend (we need more guys like that in our world:), won a volleyball tournament without losing a game, went to a praise evening - saw people, hung with a bunch of my cousins and friends - kicked some butt in cards, had a good talk with some people at church, thanking God for friends.
I have four more days left of class - awesome huh. Extra long weekend this week cause Good Friday and Easter Monday. Though I am working Monday - but that is all good. Then finals (grrrrrr - not looking forward to that) then my two week placement - which cross our fingers hopefully results in a job!! And then it's the real world and I have to act all grown up - that could be odd:)
My awards ceremony is this week - could be interesting to say the least. Hopefully I don't trip or something as I walk up to the podium - oh that would be so funny - but not really at the same time. One of those things you laugh over later!
I have four more days left of class - awesome huh. Extra long weekend this week cause Good Friday and Easter Monday. Though I am working Monday - but that is all good. Then finals (grrrrrr - not looking forward to that) then my two week placement - which cross our fingers hopefully results in a job!! And then it's the real world and I have to act all grown up - that could be odd:)
My awards ceremony is this week - could be interesting to say the least. Hopefully I don't trip or something as I walk up to the podium - oh that would be so funny - but not really at the same time. One of those things you laugh over later!
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Love is not love until you give it away. That is what they tell me - but what they forgot to add onto the bottom of that - was how much love can hurt. I guess you are alive though - cause you feel the pain - that's me being positive.
I am alive - it's awesome. Nights are still hard, but that's okay.
Finished the Bible Study session last night - it was really good. Very challenging - you can think of people struggling with addictions out there, but when you start looking at your own life and doing some soul searching it's very convicting, yet cool at the same time. I really enjoyed this past session, my group was great. And last night I had two people from my group come up to me and tell me that they appreciated my input - which was cool - cause sometimes I feel really little in that group. These people are all a lot older then me, they've seen more, experiences more - and to hear that feedback is encouraging.
My devo time lately has been really good! Which is always awesome - feeling that peace and closeness is very encouraging.
I started a protein/carb diet - the goal is to have a certain number of proteins and carbs in each meal and eat four times a day. I must say I am not used to so much food - though I have discovered that tuna and cottage cheese mixed together - tastes really great - and it's a good meal with the perfect balance one you eat a few wheat thins. So yah, my dad is on the same thing cause he has to lose weight cause of his cholesteral (sp?) so now that we are both doing it - hopefully it's easier.
School is kinda crazy - had two tests today, another one tomorrow - but we are winding down. Only one week of classes left - then exams, then home free:)
On a new note - I added Soccerchic Scribblings to the links on the side bar - it will have an assortment of things - so if you are bored and all - check it out.
I'm out - have a good one!
Finished the Bible Study session last night - it was really good. Very challenging - you can think of people struggling with addictions out there, but when you start looking at your own life and doing some soul searching it's very convicting, yet cool at the same time. I really enjoyed this past session, my group was great. And last night I had two people from my group come up to me and tell me that they appreciated my input - which was cool - cause sometimes I feel really little in that group. These people are all a lot older then me, they've seen more, experiences more - and to hear that feedback is encouraging.
My devo time lately has been really good! Which is always awesome - feeling that peace and closeness is very encouraging.
I started a protein/carb diet - the goal is to have a certain number of proteins and carbs in each meal and eat four times a day. I must say I am not used to so much food - though I have discovered that tuna and cottage cheese mixed together - tastes really great - and it's a good meal with the perfect balance one you eat a few wheat thins. So yah, my dad is on the same thing cause he has to lose weight cause of his cholesteral (sp?) so now that we are both doing it - hopefully it's easier.
School is kinda crazy - had two tests today, another one tomorrow - but we are winding down. Only one week of classes left - then exams, then home free:)
On a new note - I added Soccerchic Scribblings to the links on the side bar - it will have an assortment of things - so if you are bored and all - check it out.
I'm out - have a good one!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
So, I have been considering the possibility of moving out and getting my own apartment. I want to do some travelling and such - you know the things you want to do but have never done and all of the sudden you wake up one morning and go "goodness, I'm almost 19 - time to start cracking" (or something like that:). I figure I might take a maternity leave position somewhere - which will be for a year duration, give me a chance to see how lucky I was to live at home, and whatnot.
So, I thought my parents would widly protest to this, cause like they are a little protective at moments and have a hard time letting go at other moments. Well, Sunday night I decided to pop the idea and see how it blew over - or got blown up. That is when the odd thing happened - it was like they were glad I was considering moving out - they smiled, giggled like little school children - and pulled out this large book which had pictures of couples touring the world in expensive vehicles, cruise trips, and tropical places.
You know when you want to do something - and part of the appeal is that you think it is living on the edge and being daring - and then someone says sure, go ahead and do it, it's not like we are expecting you to be at home forever. Suddenly the daring, living on the edge thrill disapears and you suddenly feel less drawn to the idea. That is what it is like for me. So yah, I am not sure what I am going to do - there are benefits to living at home.....
On a different note - I am discovering a lot about myself lately. Not exactly always the nicest trips, but I think that it is a good thing every once in a while. I have noticed that I am very critical - not only of myself but also of other people. I think my criticalness in which I judge myself flows out to those around me. This struck me as I was walking behind a girl to class the other day - it was really cold out and she was wearing practically no clothes. I was talking to myself in my head - saying, wow, I really hope she gets frostbite on her stomach, and wow, I can't believe she is wearing jeans like that when she has hips like that. Suddenly, I realized that I was being ultra critical and judging her by the standards that I hate to be judged by. I had bought into the worlds opinion of what someone should look like, and even though I rebel against that idea - I was pressing it on others. It was sad.
So yah, I am trying to be less critical - more appreciative and stop focusing on such petty things. THough, I do wonder if she got frostbite on her stomach:)
So, I thought my parents would widly protest to this, cause like they are a little protective at moments and have a hard time letting go at other moments. Well, Sunday night I decided to pop the idea and see how it blew over - or got blown up. That is when the odd thing happened - it was like they were glad I was considering moving out - they smiled, giggled like little school children - and pulled out this large book which had pictures of couples touring the world in expensive vehicles, cruise trips, and tropical places.
You know when you want to do something - and part of the appeal is that you think it is living on the edge and being daring - and then someone says sure, go ahead and do it, it's not like we are expecting you to be at home forever. Suddenly the daring, living on the edge thrill disapears and you suddenly feel less drawn to the idea. That is what it is like for me. So yah, I am not sure what I am going to do - there are benefits to living at home.....
On a different note - I am discovering a lot about myself lately. Not exactly always the nicest trips, but I think that it is a good thing every once in a while. I have noticed that I am very critical - not only of myself but also of other people. I think my criticalness in which I judge myself flows out to those around me. This struck me as I was walking behind a girl to class the other day - it was really cold out and she was wearing practically no clothes. I was talking to myself in my head - saying, wow, I really hope she gets frostbite on her stomach, and wow, I can't believe she is wearing jeans like that when she has hips like that. Suddenly, I realized that I was being ultra critical and judging her by the standards that I hate to be judged by. I had bought into the worlds opinion of what someone should look like, and even though I rebel against that idea - I was pressing it on others. It was sad.
So yah, I am trying to be less critical - more appreciative and stop focusing on such petty things. THough, I do wonder if she got frostbite on her stomach:)
Monday, March 14, 2005
I won a legal award - pretty much the highest I can reach here at school. It was one of those things I wanted, but never dreamed possible - and then last Friday in class my teacher announced the winners - and guess what - I am one of them. Now, just so you guys see how cool this is - there are aproximately 80+ students or so, there are 10 legal awards given by law firms in Ontario for academic achievement in certain areas of law. And Mary, one of these many students was chosen by her professors. So yah, it was really cool. Now I have to be afraid of people mugging me in the parking lot and such:) Actually there were a few people who were really upset and not to happy that they didn't get an award - so yah, I have been wearing a bullet proof outfit to school until after the legal awards:)
So yah, that's my exciting news for the day!!
So yah, that's my exciting news for the day!!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
was spent chasing two little boys, cleaning an entire house until my hands were all dried out (and still are), changing enough diapers to scare even the best of woman, run after a dog, make a million jelly sandwiches, kiss bruised heads, and cry along with the kids over the milk that spilt:)
It, the above, is a good form of birth control. If you ever feel like you are going crazy and desiring a family or whatnot - I suggest doing this for a weekend - it will cure you and save you money on buying the pill:) At least it works for me. Not that I don't want kids - just I would need a full-time nanny or something. Actually, what I need more is patience - I have learned that it very important for parenting. So yah, that is the wisdom I impart to you. It also makes things that you were dreading - look much more inviting - like school, which starts tomorrow:)
Actually, despite my somewhat negitive tone - it wasn't that bad. The kids were cute, I got along with them - and I didn't lose my mind (keep your mouths shut people:)
I've survived two weeks - might not seem a lot to you guys - but it's a milestone for me. And I will paint a picture to commemorate it or something.
It, the above, is a good form of birth control. If you ever feel like you are going crazy and desiring a family or whatnot - I suggest doing this for a weekend - it will cure you and save you money on buying the pill:) At least it works for me. Not that I don't want kids - just I would need a full-time nanny or something. Actually, what I need more is patience - I have learned that it very important for parenting. So yah, that is the wisdom I impart to you. It also makes things that you were dreading - look much more inviting - like school, which starts tomorrow:)
Actually, despite my somewhat negitive tone - it wasn't that bad. The kids were cute, I got along with them - and I didn't lose my mind (keep your mouths shut people:)
I've survived two weeks - might not seem a lot to you guys - but it's a milestone for me. And I will paint a picture to commemorate it or something.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
So tonight, I am suppose to start babysiting the DeBliek kids till Monday afternoon - which is all good. I go to school today, go straight to work afterwards - rush home and off to their house. I feed the boys supper, they leave, five minutes later they are back. So, I figured they forgot something - well apparently they had ran into my vehicle with theirs, smashed the entire back window out of their van, dented the back door in really bad - it was quite a mess. So, their trip is called off until all is fixed, which is hopefully by tomorrow afternoon or whatnot. I felt bad, so I took the boys home with me - and that was my day. There are benefits to driving an ugly beast - I don't have a scratch on it. I feel really bad for them though - cause they were like all hyper and excited to be getting away (that my friends is what kids do to you:). So yah.
On a nervousing note - I have a mock interview tomorrow with a lawyer at school - I will get nervous ten minutes before - as of right now I am not nervous at all.
The loneliness is really strong tonight - it's hard, to say the least. I sometimes hate the quiet times in which I actually have to think. Well, I guess I will go do something - so as not to think.
On a nervousing note - I have a mock interview tomorrow with a lawyer at school - I will get nervous ten minutes before - as of right now I am not nervous at all.
The loneliness is really strong tonight - it's hard, to say the least. I sometimes hate the quiet times in which I actually have to think. Well, I guess I will go do something - so as not to think.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
On a happy note: I won $180.00 rollerblades today, and I didn't eat a piece of birthday cake even though it looked really really good and I wanted one - I said no and stuck with it. So those are the good things.
On a not so happy note - life is really hard sometimes. You look at the plan, you know what you should do, but it's the living it out that causes so much trouble. I just feel like I don't have the strength most days - and you know what, I don't cause I am too frail on my own. But, even though I have the all-powerful one behind me - it's still really really hard to get up, face the day and move on in the right direction. I am trying though - the key word being trying underlined a million times or something. It's been really really hard though, to say the least.
On a not so happy note - life is really hard sometimes. You look at the plan, you know what you should do, but it's the living it out that causes so much trouble. I just feel like I don't have the strength most days - and you know what, I don't cause I am too frail on my own. But, even though I have the all-powerful one behind me - it's still really really hard to get up, face the day and move on in the right direction. I am trying though - the key word being trying underlined a million times or something. It's been really really hard though, to say the least.
Which is thankfully half way through this school week. I have a few tests - grrr at them - but then again - it's all part of the countdown!! This weekend is going to be crazy - since I am babysiting two little boys from Thursday to Monday. I might lose some hair over that one - but at least it keeps me busy. Less time to think - hopefully.
I spent my four hour break yesterday at McDonalds in the playland with my little sister, brother and mother. It was most exciting - cept I got stuck in the tunnel - well not really - but I am sure it is possible. And some lady asked how old my baby was - time to lose weight methinks.
Today is my sister Bep's birthday - I got her some cool stuff last night - hopefully she likes it and all - if she doesn't I will use it!! There are benefits to being able to share clothes and such!
My sister and I are planning a road trip this summer - should be a complete and utter blast!! Not exactly sure on all our destinations yet - but it should be good!!
I am loving the fact that it is light out when it's time for me to roll out of bed - makes getting up ten times easier. Which is definately nice when you are not a morning person.
Sometimes I feel like my life is hypocritical - I have gotten so used to acting one way and feeling another, and lately I just feel like I am adding to that. I feel horrible and hurt - yet I act like all is good and things are fine. Grrr at myself. Then again, not everyone wants to know how you are feeling - it's all about the mask you wear.
I spent my four hour break yesterday at McDonalds in the playland with my little sister, brother and mother. It was most exciting - cept I got stuck in the tunnel - well not really - but I am sure it is possible. And some lady asked how old my baby was - time to lose weight methinks.
Today is my sister Bep's birthday - I got her some cool stuff last night - hopefully she likes it and all - if she doesn't I will use it!! There are benefits to being able to share clothes and such!
My sister and I are planning a road trip this summer - should be a complete and utter blast!! Not exactly sure on all our destinations yet - but it should be good!!
I am loving the fact that it is light out when it's time for me to roll out of bed - makes getting up ten times easier. Which is definately nice when you are not a morning person.
Sometimes I feel like my life is hypocritical - I have gotten so used to acting one way and feeling another, and lately I just feel like I am adding to that. I feel horrible and hurt - yet I act like all is good and things are fine. Grrr at myself. Then again, not everyone wants to know how you are feeling - it's all about the mask you wear.
Monday, March 07, 2005
One of the things I want the most right now is - peace with a whole lot of things - and the ability to live life to the fullest. To not worry so much about tomorrow, or yesterday, or something - but just to live it without regrets.
I also want spring to come really bad - but that's another dream that keeps getting buried by snow storms.
On a happy note - my sister bought me a vanilla candle today - it brings back a million and five memories of the vanilla candle I once recieved, which I burned late at night while filling many papers with poetry. Funny how one small thing can bring back so many memories.
I worked today - the first of three days each week. Will add to my list of things to do, keep me busy, and put money in the pocket - so it's all good.
I have four more weeks of school left at this point - including exam week - which is awesome cause it's like so freakin fast. Scary really.
I ate something today - because you asked - well, not so much asked as demanded.
I also want spring to come really bad - but that's another dream that keeps getting buried by snow storms.
On a happy note - my sister bought me a vanilla candle today - it brings back a million and five memories of the vanilla candle I once recieved, which I burned late at night while filling many papers with poetry. Funny how one small thing can bring back so many memories.
I worked today - the first of three days each week. Will add to my list of things to do, keep me busy, and put money in the pocket - so it's all good.
I have four more weeks of school left at this point - including exam week - which is awesome cause it's like so freakin fast. Scary really.
I ate something today - because you asked - well, not so much asked as demanded.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
I am exhausted. My brain refuses to work and yet I feel like there is a million things I have to work through. I hate that. Like of all times for my brain to go on strike - now is not that time.
Today was hard. I felt like I kept having to bottle things up. But, that's okay - I will get better at this I guess, someday.
I had a good two hour devo time with God yesterday - it was refreshing. I plan on spending time in devo's tonight - since I am home alone and all. I think it will be good.
Today was hard. I felt like I kept having to bottle things up. But, that's okay - I will get better at this I guess, someday.
I had a good two hour devo time with God yesterday - it was refreshing. I plan on spending time in devo's tonight - since I am home alone and all. I think it will be good.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
I look at those words - and am surprised that I am here. That from somewhere I was able to conjure enough strength to last these seven days.
I commemorate them with tears.
I commemorate them with tears.
Friday, March 04, 2005
I wanted to change something about myself - cause mourning does that to you - or something like that. SO, I dyed my hair tonight - not sure if it's going to look different/good/horrible/something, I guess I will see when it dries. But ya, it broke up the dullness of my night and spared me from staring at school books for a few minutes. Which is good. Now I am ready to dive in - not really, but I can pretend.
This has made me laugh, and considering all things right now - that is quite and acomplishment.
This is a website!
Everytime I try hyperlink things - it doesn't work - so you might have to enter the website your self. Sorry, though I promise it will be worth it. Watch the movie - it is good!!
This is a website!
Everytime I try hyperlink things - it doesn't work - so you might have to enter the website your self. Sorry, though I promise it will be worth it. Watch the movie - it is good!!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
I should move on - let go and walk into the future. Maybe those words are easy to say, maybe the benefits seem obvious - but that doesn't make it easier. It is much easier to live in a world of dreams instead of being rudely awaken by reality. It's easier to play games of pretend, in which you control the circumstances, then to throw yourselves out to the mercy of the cold world. It is easier to say "Tomorrow I will move on, I just need a little more time before I face it."
It's finding the strength to face the monster that hurts.
It's finding the strength to face the monster that hurts.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
is a miracle. Another moment passed in which I have survived. Another second where I was strong enough. I treasure these miracles - each one, it might mean that I can make it. Maybe.
I think I am getting sick - I just don't have the energy to fight it - despite the fact that I can't afford to get sick right now. There is too much to do - too much that I don't want to do. Each day is a never-ending battle - each night and eternity.
I ate today, a chicken leg at supper, now I feel like I am going to puke.
At first I thought the nights were the worst - but I think it's the mornings. The moments that I am not quite awake - it is good - I am dreaming that everything is okay. And then my eyes open and it hits me - like a massive mud slide landing on my chest....thing's aren't okay. It's another day that I have to be an actress - pretending all is well - only to be covering up my insides. I hate those first moments - the ones where you think all is good and you are on top of the world - only to realize, you have to summon strength from somewhere deep inside you just to pull yourself out of bed. Not exactly the feeling you want to wake up to every morning. Yet, there is no hope that it will be over soon either.
This is my life.
I think I am getting sick - I just don't have the energy to fight it - despite the fact that I can't afford to get sick right now. There is too much to do - too much that I don't want to do. Each day is a never-ending battle - each night and eternity.
I ate today, a chicken leg at supper, now I feel like I am going to puke.
At first I thought the nights were the worst - but I think it's the mornings. The moments that I am not quite awake - it is good - I am dreaming that everything is okay. And then my eyes open and it hits me - like a massive mud slide landing on my chest....thing's aren't okay. It's another day that I have to be an actress - pretending all is well - only to be covering up my insides. I hate those first moments - the ones where you think all is good and you are on top of the world - only to realize, you have to summon strength from somewhere deep inside you just to pull yourself out of bed. Not exactly the feeling you want to wake up to every morning. Yet, there is no hope that it will be over soon either.
This is my life.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
do it. It's too hard. I sit in my room, and I scream at the mirror - I've cried a million tears - and still they come, never stopping. I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can be strong. But I can't, it's just too hard. I feel like half of my body has been ripped off - and yet I am suppose to keep living - to do the things I normally do - acting like all is fine and I will get through this. The pain is excruciating.