Wednesday, March 02, 2005
is a miracle. Another moment passed in which I have survived. Another second where I was strong enough. I treasure these miracles - each one, it might mean that I can make it. Maybe.
I think I am getting sick - I just don't have the energy to fight it - despite the fact that I can't afford to get sick right now. There is too much to do - too much that I don't want to do. Each day is a never-ending battle - each night and eternity.
I ate today, a chicken leg at supper, now I feel like I am going to puke.
At first I thought the nights were the worst - but I think it's the mornings. The moments that I am not quite awake - it is good - I am dreaming that everything is okay. And then my eyes open and it hits me - like a massive mud slide landing on my chest....thing's aren't okay. It's another day that I have to be an actress - pretending all is well - only to be covering up my insides. I hate those first moments - the ones where you think all is good and you are on top of the world - only to realize, you have to summon strength from somewhere deep inside you just to pull yourself out of bed. Not exactly the feeling you want to wake up to every morning. Yet, there is no hope that it will be over soon either.
This is my life.
I think I am getting sick - I just don't have the energy to fight it - despite the fact that I can't afford to get sick right now. There is too much to do - too much that I don't want to do. Each day is a never-ending battle - each night and eternity.
I ate today, a chicken leg at supper, now I feel like I am going to puke.
At first I thought the nights were the worst - but I think it's the mornings. The moments that I am not quite awake - it is good - I am dreaming that everything is okay. And then my eyes open and it hits me - like a massive mud slide landing on my chest....thing's aren't okay. It's another day that I have to be an actress - pretending all is well - only to be covering up my insides. I hate those first moments - the ones where you think all is good and you are on top of the world - only to realize, you have to summon strength from somewhere deep inside you just to pull yourself out of bed. Not exactly the feeling you want to wake up to every morning. Yet, there is no hope that it will be over soon either.
This is my life.