Tuesday, November 21, 2006
It's true, I have come to a conclusion. This conclusion is that people just know you're living on your own, and they secretly laugh at you. Now, you may be wondering who these people are...well they are people at sitdown resturants, the cashier at the grocery store, and the guys at the pizza shop. You see, I have this thing...maybe it's a phobia. I do not eat in sit down resturants by myself, I never run to the pizza store without looking like I have some place important to go (this involves continual checking of my watch and cell phone), and when I shop, I never buy just one thing of something, because it is a dead give away.
The other night I was craving cookie dough ice cream, so very bad. I wasn't feeling that well...but there is a grocery store open 24 hours right next to me about a 1 minute walk away. I could of ran down there looking like I just rolled out of bed in my grubby run around the house clothes...but I knew that they would secretly laugh at me. Because they would know I was living alone, and they would assume that I had a cat. Cause that's what people living alone do...they go to the grocery store for fun, they get exciting about the grocery flyers...you always count out the exact amount of change cause you want to maintain human contact as long as possible...and then they buy single items...and twitch nervously around people.
You're the kind of person that gets excited about traffic jams because you are close to people for an extended period of time. At work you shadow people in your office, and strike up a conversation the moment they stop moving, at the gym you offer to fill up people's water bottles just in hopes of having someone smile at you...some people call you a stalker, and you take it as a compliment. Face it, you live alone.
So, you have to perfect this art...shop only when you need to and buy more stuff then you immediately need (you can freeze it anyways...and we all know you are buying because it's on sale...cause you read the flyers like they are paperback novels), always dress kind of up when you are going to the pizza shop, and look at your watch at least five times...(you can also fake a conversation on your cell, and tell the person that you really need the pizza cause you've gotta jet). Oh, make sure you don't buy the small pizza (you can eat the left overs for the rest of the week). Get a large pizza, and then talk out loud...."Hmmm, two pieces for Jane, 3 for Mark, 2 for Jerry....maybe I should get another pizza....oh yeah, Anne is bringing wings....I think one large should be okay."
And never, I repeat never...eat at a sit down resturant by yourself. Even if you take a book, or a laptop to pretend you're working like insane work hours...they know, they always do.
Oh, and never buy tuna...they always think it's for your cat...which is such a dead give away.
And secretly...they laugh at you, so just start to get used to it.
The other night I was craving cookie dough ice cream, so very bad. I wasn't feeling that well...but there is a grocery store open 24 hours right next to me about a 1 minute walk away. I could of ran down there looking like I just rolled out of bed in my grubby run around the house clothes...but I knew that they would secretly laugh at me. Because they would know I was living alone, and they would assume that I had a cat. Cause that's what people living alone do...they go to the grocery store for fun, they get exciting about the grocery flyers...you always count out the exact amount of change cause you want to maintain human contact as long as possible...and then they buy single items...and twitch nervously around people.
You're the kind of person that gets excited about traffic jams because you are close to people for an extended period of time. At work you shadow people in your office, and strike up a conversation the moment they stop moving, at the gym you offer to fill up people's water bottles just in hopes of having someone smile at you...some people call you a stalker, and you take it as a compliment. Face it, you live alone.
So, you have to perfect this art...shop only when you need to and buy more stuff then you immediately need (you can freeze it anyways...and we all know you are buying because it's on sale...cause you read the flyers like they are paperback novels), always dress kind of up when you are going to the pizza shop, and look at your watch at least five times...(you can also fake a conversation on your cell, and tell the person that you really need the pizza cause you've gotta jet). Oh, make sure you don't buy the small pizza (you can eat the left overs for the rest of the week). Get a large pizza, and then talk out loud...."Hmmm, two pieces for Jane, 3 for Mark, 2 for Jerry....maybe I should get another pizza....oh yeah, Anne is bringing wings....I think one large should be okay."
And never, I repeat never...eat at a sit down resturant by yourself. Even if you take a book, or a laptop to pretend you're working like insane work hours...they know, they always do.
Oh, and never buy tuna...they always think it's for your cat...which is such a dead give away.
And secretly...they laugh at you, so just start to get used to it.
Labels: Ramblings